Mom, Now I Know

I'm not even 30 yet, Mom, and there are so many things that I see now that I could not have (or would not have) seen before... and I want to honor and thank you publicly.

Mom, now I know why you laughed when we made comments about things that happened when you were a kid being "old". Because I certainly don't feel old, but today, the boys were talking about a show, and I told them it was from when I was a kid. They both agreed, "yeah, that's old." I laughed. Now I realize that you didn't feel old either (and weren't!), and that's why you laughed back then.

Mom, now I know why, when I was young, you let me come in quietly and brush your hair on Saturday mornings so you could sleep a little longer. Life with little ones is exhausting, and even a smidge more sleep is worth a lot. I, too, joyfully accept every extra wink I can snag.

Mom, now I know why you said your knees hurt, and how you felt like you sounded just like your mother. You weren't complaining... they really do hurt! And now I sound just like you, and every time I do, I think of you.

Mom, now I know why you were exhausted at the end of your days. Life with little ones can be so tiring. And when we were older, you worked too. And served in church. And made time for gardening and taco nights. Now I understand... at least some.

Mom, now I know how little I really know. I can't imagine having a little girl who I'd scrimped and saved so that she could go to a weekend enrichment camp squander it by staying up late and getting kicked out. I can't imagine having a teenager who I'd loved and cherished and given up my life for say the things I said to you, or make such horrible choices. I can't imagine seeing that daughter say and do the foolish things I did.

Mom, now I know that your example of steadfast love and continual extending of grace was costly. I treated it like it was cheap, but I know it must have nearly cost you your soul. I can only pray that I will be one-tenth of the gracious and loving mom to my kids that you were to me. In my heart, I greedily want to ask that my kids won't need the crazy amount of grace that I required... but I know they are human and, like me, God may allow them to experience sanctification and challenges in their lives in ways that would not be the ones I'd custom-pick.

Mom, now I know that I've had a rich example of love-- real love-- right in front of me my whole life, and I know that my kids are going to need it. I find myself praying now that I can love-- with unfailing patience, kindness, and forbearance-- like you.

Thank you, Mom. I love you more with each passing year. It kind of stinks that it takes all this living to really see what someone else did for you, but there it is. I'm sorry I didn't see it before, but now I know.

Love,
Jessica