ADVICE & ANSWERS: Christian Separation? Porn, Anger, Unbelief in Marriage

Wow, ladies, this is a difficult question brought to you from a woman in a very tough situation. Read her words carefully and, if you feel led, offer your wise counsel and biblical advice. She sounds desperate and needs truth, grace, and encouragement, as well as insight into how to handle these things biblically.

Jess,
I am writing for desperately needed advice. I just told my husband that I am filing for a legal separation. I am a Christian and I know what the bible speaks concerning divorce, so I can't make that choice at this time. I am really in need of objective advice from others. I've been married for 4 years. During those years I've isolated myself from close relationships because I've become depressed and do not want others to see the real issues in our home. I am seeking separation because I recently heard my husband, while out with co-workers, say he was looking for someone to sleep with! He was also making many comments about the bodies of the females who were around. I heard this because I called him on his cell and he did not really turn it off when he thought he did, so I heard his conversation until I finally hung up. He has also been watching porn and hanging with friends who see nothing wrong with it. I have also found an email that he sent to a co-worker asking her to start a relationship. He also set up a myspace page listing that he was single and got lots of private emails from females sending innappropriate pictures. He constantly goes to bars with friends and comes home in the wee hours of the morning. His money habits have gotten us both into debt with extremely low credit scores. He also says he's no longer attracted to me because I've gained weight (I went from a size 10 to a 14 and I am in the process of losing the extra pounds).

And the worst thing is he, about 6 months ago, announced he no longer believes that Jesus ever existed and that most of the bible is a lie. He is also rude, curses in front of me and our 2 year-old, smokes and drinks in the basement, has an anger problem where he curses me out loudly, and he's pushed me and/or threw things at me about 5 times. We've tried counseling - no change. I've also talked to my pastor, but he has never spoken to my husband about his behavior, so I feel hopeless about getting help from my "spiritual leader." And my in-laws act afraid to confront my husband even though they know about and say they hate what's going on. I hate to break up my family, but I can no longer stay in this type of marriage. I've only stayed this long because of my love for Jesus and my son. Please help!

OK, Making Home readers, what do you have to say to this woman?

New Year 2008: What's Going to be "New" For You?

What do you plan to do differently in this upcoming year? What needs to change? These are questions I've been rolling around in my head. Here are some of my thoughts:

#1- I need to be more committed to studying the Word of God. Throughout last year, I took one book a month and studied/read it throughout the month, using study guides and other tools to get to know each book, and for the most part that was beneficial. I studied through James, 1 John, Proverbs, Romans, 1 Thessalonians, Acts, Colossians, Genesis, and Matthew (yes- 2 of the books got held over a 2 month period).

But I've slacked off lately- the busy-ness of life has, too often, crowded out that most precious time. So, in January, I'm going to finish reading through Matthew, really soaking in the parables and stories of Jesus. Throughout the year, I'd like to tackle Hebrews, Isaiah, Esther, Joshua, Job, and others. If I continue going at this rate, I'll have studied my way through the Bible (not just hurriedly reading, but carefully studying) in 7 years.

#2- I need to be more diligent to verbally build up and be a helper to my amazing husband. God has given me such a special gift by giving me this wonderful man to share my life with. I need to be more aware of verbally encouraging him, verbally praising him to others, and being a helper to him-- helping him accomplish the things that are important to him.

#3- I need to spend less time online and more time with the kids. Instead of playing ridiculous amounts of Scrabble, I need to sit down on the floor and spend time on their level, listening to things that are important to them. Instead of shooing them away because "I'm reading something important" (even though sometimes, it IS), I need to stop and spend more time reading to them.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not at ALL a parent who feels like I need to be beholden to my children. I believe God gave them siblings to play with- I don't have to be their primary playmate. And I believe that they need to know that mommy is a separate person-- not just a person who is at their beck and call. It is good for them to see their parents reading books, learning, talking about politics, and having thoughtful discussions about adult things. And it is good for them, at an early age, to come to the distinct awareness that the world does not in fact revolve around them. But as with all things, there needs to be balance. And I need to spend more time with these precious little people God has given me. I love them, I treasure their little funny sayings, and crazy sense of humors, and creative ways of playing and talking about things that are going on in their lives. I don't want to miss out on enjoying the blessing of these children at these particular ages.


What are some of your goals for 2008? Or things that you want to work on?

Rogue Taxidermist Sarina Brewer

We've talked about steampunk science before, but I don't think anything quite compares to the site that reader Jeanie sent of "rogue taxidermist" Sarina Brewer, which is fascinating, if a bit disconcerting for the weak of stomach.

Just one of her many creations. (Look closely!)

A flying squirrel

I'll leave exploring her more disturbing creations to those of you with a taste for the macabre.

The Metatemporal Detective

I'm reading one of my Christmas presents, Michael Moorcock's The Metatemporal Detective, which is a lovely mishmash of victorian crime, westerns, the supernatural, sherlockian ambiance, and steampunk. I haven't run across any full fledged interior descriptions (although he does a great job of dropping hints so as to let your imagination fill in the rest), but I thought I would share this particularly steampunk tidbit:

As they climbed the steps of the heavy war-tram and took their places on the mahogany bench seats, the young buckaroo put a manly arm about his wife's shoulders. Soon the vehicle was in motion, racing back across the plains as a second machine collected track behind it, a demonstration of the skill and ingenuity of "Thunderclap" Meadley's famous "Flying Tracklayers," who had done so much for Texas' military reputation.

Yes, it's a bit pulp, and you know my biases towards Texas, but I think you'd find it fun nonetheless.

Mad Scientist Light

So I ran across this post about a "Mad Scientist Light" by the (mysterious) "Big E" the other day, because he had linked to The Steampunk Home.

E handily provided the link to the Instructable for the light, and I have to say, I'm inspired. (E's pep talk at the end of his post didn't hurt: "People need to realize that there is no substitute for squaring the shoulders and boldly deciding to do something. And it works for more things than just a cool light fixture.") I hit a thrift shop last night and picked up a couple of wooden jewelry style boxes and today I visited our local Light Bulb Shop (really!) and found some nice 25W bulbs. Only a dimmer switch and socket left to find, and then a little bit of power tool time.

There are tons of great variations on this in the Instructable comments.







Hopefully I'll have one done by the end of this weekend!

World's Smallest Steam Engine

Looks easy to build, for hours of fun!



Building The Amazing Steam Candle

Discovered by someone on the steamfashion community, and pointed out by Kaja Foglio (of Girl Genius).

Steampunk Sink Alcove

Gary sent me a note pointing out his new steampunk bathroom vanity.



I love the mix -- industrial concrete sink (posts from Gary on how he built it) and faucet handles, metallic copper piping, traditional wood vanity and mirror, and the handmade Victorian-electric style sconces with Edison bulbs that really make the look.



Gary says: "Those coiled wires at the top add to the effect but they double up as a grounding wire which runs inside the pipe to the plug outlet so that the copper pipe doesn't become "live". I finally found a use for all that cloth covered copper wire (from the antiquated alarm system that was installed in the 1890s) that I pulled out of the floors when I sanded them . Candlabra sockets insert nicely into 3/4 inch pipe but to use Edison bulbs I had to use an adaptor which looks aged because I painted the cardboard insulator sleeve with shellac."

I think this is the best use of edison bulbs I've seen -- they are right at eye level, so will get plenty of admiring as people wash their hands.

I know I'm jealous. Great work, Gary!

Christmas Show & Tell: Have Yourself a Decadent Little Christmas

I hope you all have now begun your Christmas weekend and are spending time with family and friends... I wanted to share a few things with you to enjoy over the holiday season.

• Can I implore you to start one morning of your holiday with these scrumptious muffins? She calls them "French Breakfast Puffs"... Doug & I agreed this morning that our name for them is going to be "Sopaipilla Muffins" (after the delicious cinnamon-sugar coated Mexican dessert). They are sinfully delicious in every possible way. If you make these, your taste buds will rise up and call you blessed.
  
  I'm serious. I don't think I've ever made a better breakfast. Ever. Are you on your way to your kitchen? You should be.
  

OTHER CHRISTMAS/COOKING IDEAS:

• My fun friend over at Musings of a Housewife has put together a lovely Homemade Piecrust Making Lesson.
• Maybe you haven't wrapped your gifts yet? Consider this great and cute idea for reusable Christmas wrapping.
• My gift to you: FREE SEWING PATTERNS. If you visit this site, and create a username, you can print out thousands of free patterns that are precious and useful and unique. Merry Christmas, my sewing friends!
  

MISCELLANEOUS INTERESTING LINKS:

• Still waiting around for my "Redesign Your Blog" how-to-do-html post? Please forgive me for not having gotten to that sooner-- my language lessons started up a couple weeks ago (I'm learning Turkish), we've been tidying up because we'll be traveling for much of the month of January, and with Christmas goings-on, well, it just hasn't happened. I'll try and revisit it next week, before we leave. In the meantime, here's a great post that can give you other tips on how to improve your blog: 15 Powerful Ways to Differentiate Your Blog From the Crowd.
• Take this holiday season to get some sleep. Improve your health, have more energy, and help the environment by getting the right amount of sleep.
• SECULAR THOUGHTS ON HEAVEN: Liberal LA Times columnist Joel Stein got quoted on the back of a Starbucks cup. Here's the quote:
  

  Heaven is totally overrated. It seems boring. Clouds, listening to people play the harp. It should be somewhere you can't wait to go, like a luxury hotel. Maybe blue skies and soft music were enough to keep people in line in the 17th century, but Heaven has to step it up a bit. They're basically getting by because they only have to be better than Hell.
  

  Something interesting is that this (clouds, harps, boring) is the way many Christians see Heaven, which is completely unbiblical, but gives clear reason for why so few Christians are excited about eternity with Christ.
  
  In response to Stein's coffee cup quote, he received five copies of Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven, from five different Christians. Because of that response, Stein called Alcorn. You might be interested to read about the outcome of that conversation. Here's Alcorn's blogpost about their conversation, and here's Stein's follow-up article about Heaven. You should read both.
  
  By the way, if you haven't read Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven, or you find yourself feeling similar to how Stein feels about Heaven, BUY AND READ the book. It will give you so much biblical insight, encouragement, and excitement about eternity.
  

LAUGH TRACK
Normally, I like to end these posts with something funny. Today, I have three, no- make that FOUR, funny links for you to check out. So have a few laughs...

• The European Union Will Improve the English Language.
  
• The Homeschooler's Wish List. Hilarious tongue-in-cheek responses to the ridiculous questions we homeschoolers get asked by friends and strangers alike.
• Cletus Take the Reel- A pretty silly parody of "Jesus Take the Wheel" (ht: Josh Harris, via Doug- thanks darlin!)
  
• Perhaps someone you know needs to visit a shrink. Can I recommend this one?
  

I pray that this holiday time will be a time for gathering with those that you love to celebrate the amazing miracle of Christ come to earth. What an amazing thing it is that the God of all the world came and became human, in order that we might have eternal life. May this be a precious time for you and your family.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all!

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Hello Everyone! Well sorry to have been absent from blogging for so long, but I've had several rather unexpected experiences lately that have monopolized my time. One of the biggies is that my beloved Isuzu Rodeo died. Why was it beloved, you ask? Because it was paid for!!!! So I was forced to venture into the car market, quite unwillingly! You see for me, going to a car dealership is like going to the dentist. And the longer I can put it off the better! Anyway I am now the proud owner of a 2006 Ford Expedition which I lovingly refer to as the Beast. I know it's not eco-friendly but in my line of work as an antiques dealer and shop-owner it's a must have. The room inside this baby is unbelievable and it also has towing capacity--two factors the rodeo was lacking. So now maybe I can actually consider heading off to do a few really great shows a year, and heading over to meet my new and dear friend Theresa at Garden Antiques in Texas. If you haven't checked out her blog please do so. She is listed in my favorites and her blog is fabulous!

I'd also like to announce my first annual OUT WITH THE OLD~~IN WITH THE NEW SALE starting on Dec. 26th and running thru Jan. 10th. This is an opportunity for those of you who can stop by the shop to get some fabulous deals on seasonal and everyday accessories and select antiques. We are heading off to market in January in search of fresh new treasures for 2008 and so we are slashing prices on many items. Hope you can stop by and pick up a great deal or two!

Happy Holidays and Be Safe!

Shelley

When People "Rub You the Wrong Way"

Did ya ever meet or spend time with someone who makes you feel like THIS?!?


And did that person happen to be a professing Christian, maybe even a part of your church?

Well then, this post is for you!


I was just listening to a sermon from the pastor in the church where I "grew up" spiritually. (Not where I went to church as a kid, but where we started going when I was 15. When Doug & I moved back to that area, we returned to that church... so it's where I've grown up spiritually.) And can I just say here that I LOVE mp3s and downloadable sermons?! Sometime, I'll have to do a post about all the great online resources where you can get spiritual "meat" for FREE!!!

Anyway, back to my pastor. His sermon was all about having patience with people who get under your skin. Particularly, it was about people in the Body of Christ. Those people that go to church with you that drive you bananas every Sunday. The lady in the choir who seems so showy with her expressions and movements. The man who never manages to have a nice word to say to anyone. The lady who gabs and jabs and never talks about anything of significance. The guy who, every Sunday, shakes your hand and occupies your time in a shallow conversation for WAY too long while you could be talking to friends. The lady who looks down her nose at everyone around her and makes you feel inferior and judged. We've all met at least one person in the Body of Christ who makes us feel totally annoyed and/or frustrated.

And to hear my pastor tell it, it's good for us. Colossians 3 talks about how we really live the Christian life... what we're to "take off" (like moral impurity) and what we're to "put on" : compassion, kindness, meekness, humbleness of mind ... and then in verse 12, he mentions "patience".

There are two words for patience that show up in the New Testament:

• The first is for patience under trials... for when you're under a heavy burden. It's a kind of patience driven by hope that God is using this trial to accomplish something, knowing that God will bring me through it on the other side with stronger faith. But this is not the word that is used here.
  
• The second word, which is the one used in this passage, is for patience with people. This passage is all about interacting with other people, so that's not surprising that this would be the word used for patience in this section.

He said it this way:

"Now you see, God has designed our lives in such a way that certain qualities can only be built in our life by having irritating people to come into our life. ... So you're gonna have some irritating people in your life. Sometimes, they'll be in your family. ...Sometimes it'll be somebody you married, and you didn't know how irritating they were when you married 'em. ... So you may find that one of the irritating people with whom you need to have patience is your spouse. It may be your parents; it may be your children. But then, it may be within the body of Christ. And I really believe that's what Paul has in mind here. He's talking about relationships within the body."

Consider how many people love a church until they get to know the people in it. He quoted an old poem,

"To dwell above with those we love,
That will be glory.
But to dwell below with those we know,
Well, that's a different story."

You may not deal with this if you are not interacting deeply with people at church. But when you really dig in and actually get to know people on an authentic level, and when you are vitally plugged in to a local church body, as my pastor said,

"Praise God, YOU will be one of somebody's irritating people. Now I know all of you were thinking, 'well, if I do that, I'm going to come across some irritating people,' and that's true. But you're gonna BE someone's irritating person too."

Offenses are going to come, because:
1- I'm a sinner
2- You're a sinner
3- That is the way that God has designed for growth to come in each of our lives.

He said that the way patience manifests itself is this:

"When I'm around someone that irritates me, how do I have patience with them?"

1- "Remember that God has been patient with you." (Think of all the sinful and silly/stupid things you've done in your life, and yet God has been patient with you and not thrown you away.)
2-"There are always factors that you don't understand in other people's lives." (The person who REALLY drives you crazy "probably has things going on way back in their past that you don't know about... and there may be some factors as recent as 30 minutes ago that you don't know about.")
3- "Remember that you are not the Holy Spirit. There are only THREE seats in the Trinity, and you don't occupy any one of them." The Holy Spirit convicts people. YOUR job is to pray for people and love them... there is a time for admonishing one another with Scripture- but that should be done if you have built a relationship and if you come with a prayerful humble attitude... not with bitterness or frustration in our hearts.)
4- "Remember that God is working in their life." Remember Saul of Tarsus? He started out killing Christians- NOBODY in the church liked him. "Yet God had him as a chosen vessel" to do His work. So when somebody is just irritating the tar out of you, just think, you know, God might marvelously use them. He is at work in their life!

He ended with this... it is nearly impossible for GOOD to come out of someone telling someone else off. But there may be times when, with relationship and love intact, a scriptural admonishment (using the Word of God to share truth in love) may be in order. But, he warns us with a couple final thoughts:

"Be careful about giving someone a piece of your mind
...you might not have that much to spare!"

- Be biblical, not emotional. -
- You're not responsible for THEIR choices. -
- You ARE responsible for YOUR choices. -

I hope this encourages and challenges you as it did me. Anything you'd like to share or add?